1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:04,460 Another special occasion from United Florists. Hi, honey, it's Mom. 2 00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:07,600 I just called to wish you a happy Valentine's Day. 3 00:00:08,220 --> 00:00:09,220 Thanks, Mom. 4 00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:12,000 And it is a happy one. I'm seeing Tim tonight. 5 00:00:12,340 --> 00:00:13,840 I like that Tim. 6 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:15,620 He's such a nice young man. 7 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:16,919 I know. 8 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:19,160 I've never felt this way about anybody before. 9 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,800 Well, you two have a very special time together. 10 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:27,680 Hmm. 11 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,000 It's beautiful. 12 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:36,740 It's the United Florist condom bouquet. 13 00:00:38,540 --> 00:00:39,720 Love, Mom. 14 00:00:41,660 --> 00:00:44,320 The United Florist condom bouquet. 15 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:48,640 Give it to someone you love so they don't get anything else. 16 00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:54,740 Loving one who loves you and them taking that bath. 17 00:00:55,600 --> 00:01:02,360 Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me? 18 00:01:09,550 --> 00:01:16,490 Okay, Rachel, I see you're king -sized and raise 19 00:01:16,490 --> 00:01:18,390 you one ribbed for her pleasure. 20 00:01:19,790 --> 00:01:23,490 I can't remember. Which is worth more, a ribbed for her pleasure or a micro 21 00:01:23,490 --> 00:01:24,490 -thin ultra -glide? 22 00:01:25,570 --> 00:01:29,450 Oh, definitely micro -thin ultra -glide. The ribbed ones are so overrated, you 23 00:01:29,450 --> 00:01:35,390 have to use them at a certain angle or else they... I fold. 24 00:01:37,310 --> 00:01:38,430 You can't fold. 25 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,100 What am I going to do with all these condoms they gave me? I've got 16 cases 26 00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:45,440 get rid of. Well, 15. I kept one for myself. 27 00:01:46,460 --> 00:01:49,000 Mom, there are like 1 ,200 condoms in a case. 28 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:54,820 Hey, I happen to have a very healthy sex drive, which I hope one day to share 29 00:01:54,820 --> 00:01:55,820 with a partner. 30 00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:58,920 Besides, 31 00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:01,100 they have plenty of other uses. 32 00:02:02,460 --> 00:02:04,060 Little coasters, for example. 33 00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,680 And they make fabulous earrings. 34 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,580 And in case of floods, they make excellent sandbags. 35 00:02:15,380 --> 00:02:17,880 Our mother is the Martha Stewart of condoms. 36 00:02:19,860 --> 00:02:21,200 Aren't you glad you moved back home? 37 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:25,380 Hey, excuse me, I did not move back home. I'm only here because my apartment 38 00:02:25,380 --> 00:02:28,260 condemned. This is like emergency housing. 39 00:02:28,740 --> 00:02:30,420 Yes, I'm like the Red Cross. 40 00:02:30,780 --> 00:02:33,980 Except for central air, a private bathroom, HBO. 41 00:02:35,900 --> 00:02:38,480 Well... What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. 42 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,300 I don't understand why you just don't live here. 43 00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:44,260 She's an adult. She's independent. 44 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,200 It's just a stage. She'll grow out of it. 45 00:02:48,140 --> 00:02:49,660 Oh, look, peppermint. 46 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:51,720 Wouldn't that sting? 47 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,180 Hey, happy Valentine's Day, everybody. 48 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:57,740 Happy Valentine's Day. 49 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:00,000 There's my favorite school teacher. 50 00:03:00,220 --> 00:03:02,920 Oh, you smell like paste. I like that. 51 00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:06,970 I have been making Valentine cards all day with my third graders. 52 00:03:07,530 --> 00:03:10,710 And this one is for my special Valentine. 53 00:03:11,050 --> 00:03:12,050 Oh. 54 00:03:15,290 --> 00:03:18,510 Uh, are those... Uh -huh. Your mother? 55 00:03:18,710 --> 00:03:20,090 Mm -hmm. Uh -huh. 56 00:03:21,710 --> 00:03:24,270 To the best mommy ever, be my Valentine. 57 00:03:24,590 --> 00:03:25,730 Love, Bobby. 58 00:03:26,490 --> 00:03:27,490 Who's Bobby? 59 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:34,230 Oh, no, this means Bobby Johnson took home the card I made for you to his 60 00:03:34,230 --> 00:03:35,230 mother. 61 00:03:36,290 --> 00:03:37,570 Dear God in heaven. 62 00:03:37,810 --> 00:03:39,210 Oh, honey, it can't be that bad. 63 00:03:40,730 --> 00:03:44,290 Oh, dear God in heaven, you called that woman right now. Well, hopefully I can 64 00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:45,290 find the number. 65 00:03:45,390 --> 00:03:48,350 Maybe I'll just tell her it was a drawing of a sock. 66 00:03:52,490 --> 00:03:57,090 You know, Valentine's Day is one of my very favorite holidays because it 67 00:03:57,090 --> 00:03:58,750 celebrates the female anatomy. 68 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:00,160 Uh -oh. 69 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:05,340 Do you know what this heart shape is actually a symbol of? Don't even start. 70 00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:07,840 Girls, show some respect. 71 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,140 I, for one, am very interested in what the Valentine represents. 72 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,100 What is it, Sybil? A dove? 73 00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,420 A lily? The wings of an angel? 74 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:17,160 The labia. 75 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:22,920 Unfolding to reveal... Why didn't you stop me? 76 00:04:27,690 --> 00:04:31,530 You know when you see those bumper stickers that say, I heart my parakeet? 77 00:04:31,530 --> 00:04:33,370 really means, I labia my parakeet. 78 00:04:35,910 --> 00:04:38,290 So, Zoe, are you and Sean going out tonight? 79 00:04:38,650 --> 00:04:40,650 Oh, no. I'm having dinner with my father. 80 00:04:41,230 --> 00:04:44,230 Sean asked me. I just wasn't up for it. I don't know. I feel like I've outgrown 81 00:04:44,230 --> 00:04:45,450 him. Have you told him that? 82 00:04:45,930 --> 00:04:47,350 I guess I'm still working up to it. 83 00:04:47,990 --> 00:04:49,890 God, why don't you just shoot him and get it over with? 84 00:04:51,570 --> 00:04:54,470 Rachel, all she's saying is that she wants something new in her life. 85 00:04:54,730 --> 00:04:56,450 Like college. That would be something new. 86 00:04:57,750 --> 00:04:59,470 Oh, that was subtle, Mom. 87 00:05:00,170 --> 00:05:01,870 I've been listening to this all week, Rachel. 88 00:05:02,090 --> 00:05:05,370 Yesterday we went out for frozen yogurt, and she asked me if I wanted chocolate 89 00:05:05,370 --> 00:05:08,410 sprinkles or an academic advantage in a fiercely competitive world. 90 00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:11,190 Can't you think of anything else to talk about? 91 00:05:11,450 --> 00:05:15,170 Zoe, today's topics are college or labia. You make the call. 92 00:05:17,310 --> 00:05:20,630 Well, she said changing the subject in that whimsical way of hers. 93 00:05:20,930 --> 00:05:23,410 I'm having Valentine's dinner with my son. 94 00:05:24,070 --> 00:05:25,070 Justin's in town? 95 00:05:25,230 --> 00:05:27,050 God, I haven't seen him in, like, forever. 96 00:05:27,390 --> 00:05:30,970 He's flying in this afternoon, and tonight I'm introducing him to the new 97 00:05:30,970 --> 00:05:31,669 my life. 98 00:05:31,670 --> 00:05:33,650 This is a big event for you. Huge. 99 00:05:34,010 --> 00:05:37,050 I haven't seen Justin since Thanksgiving in Buffalo. 100 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:40,850 What if he and Richard don't get along and he decides not to come home again 101 00:05:40,850 --> 00:05:42,710 another three years? Will I be forced to choose? 102 00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:46,410 Am I a mother? Am I a woman? Damn it, I'm both. Why must I be punished? 103 00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:49,130 If I'm guilty of anything, it's of loving too much. 104 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:56,440 It's very disturbing. 105 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,900 Sybil, please come with me. I'm really a wreck about this. Why do you need me 106 00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:05,420 there? Because you have a knack for keeping the conversation alive and 107 00:06:05,420 --> 00:06:10,780 people at ease, whereas my talent lies in foaming at the mouth and 108 00:06:10,780 --> 00:06:12,100 bursting into flames. 109 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,200 As much as I'd like to see that. 110 00:06:16,860 --> 00:06:20,140 This evening, I'm going to spend with my favorite Valentine, my grandson, 111 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:23,060 William, while Rachel and Kevin have a nice dinner together. 112 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,320 Thank you, Mom. 113 00:06:25,670 --> 00:06:26,890 That's for me, that's for me, that's for me. 114 00:06:27,250 --> 00:06:28,249 Uh, hello? 115 00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:29,049 Uh, yes. 116 00:06:29,050 --> 00:06:32,490 Hi, Mrs. Johnson, how are you? Yeah, I'm really glad you called back. Look, I'm, 117 00:06:32,490 --> 00:06:34,430 uh, I'm really sorry about the mix -up with the car. 118 00:06:35,610 --> 00:06:36,610 Excuse me? 119 00:06:37,870 --> 00:06:39,270 Well, yes, I work out. 120 00:06:43,310 --> 00:06:46,830 So then, when I was five, we were doing the Christmas pageant at the First 121 00:06:46,830 --> 00:06:47,830 Presbyterian Church. 122 00:06:48,410 --> 00:06:51,730 I could sense we were losing the audience, so I threw in a medley from 123 00:06:51,730 --> 00:06:52,730 Yankees. 124 00:06:52,970 --> 00:06:54,430 The next year, we were Lutheran. 125 00:06:57,020 --> 00:07:00,180 Now, William, don't forget, you're a baby. 126 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,960 You can still throw up on her and get away with it. 127 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,500 Come on, William. 128 00:07:06,820 --> 00:07:08,080 Oh, come to it, Zoe. 129 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:09,480 Oh, boy. 130 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,620 Blow up some of those condoms and make him some balloon animals. 131 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:15,080 He likes that. 132 00:07:17,380 --> 00:07:19,360 Sybil, we rushed right over. What's the emergency? 133 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:28,660 Talk to me privately. Have a seat. 134 00:07:32,380 --> 00:07:35,680 Sybil, I just had to come over. The evening's already a disaster. 135 00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:38,740 I mean, we were on our way to the restaurant and they were hardly looking 136 00:07:38,740 --> 00:07:39,740 each other. 137 00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:41,540 Marianne, you took separate cars. 138 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:47,340 Okay, I'm a little crazed about this, but I'm not good at getting people to 139 00:07:47,340 --> 00:07:52,160 up. You are. You have that warm, open, welcoming, inviting way about you. Thank 140 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,820 you. Now get the hell out. 141 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:55,960 Please come with me. Please. 142 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:58,320 Please. Marianne, look. They're talking. 143 00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:00,300 Your mother's a wonderful woman. 144 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:01,800 Yeah. 145 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,880 But she's a little insane tonight. 146 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,260 Yes. Yes, she is. 147 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,000 Justin. 148 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:11,960 It's Zoe. 149 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,240 Get out of here. 150 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,540 You don't believe me? 151 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:17,840 You big booger face. 152 00:08:18,740 --> 00:08:20,620 Zoe, how have you been? 153 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:21,840 Good, hey. 154 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,170 You know, Marianne, We do have reservations. 155 00:08:26,830 --> 00:08:27,830 Go! 156 00:08:28,410 --> 00:08:31,090 What's that, Sybil? Stay for a glass of wine? 157 00:08:31,810 --> 00:08:33,070 Well, if you insist. 158 00:08:35,870 --> 00:08:38,890 I'm sorry, Richard, but it's Valentine's Day. 159 00:08:40,809 --> 00:08:43,230 I completely understand. 160 00:08:47,210 --> 00:08:49,050 Okay, we'll have a glass of wine. 161 00:08:49,410 --> 00:08:52,270 We wouldn't want me to be alone, would we? 162 00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:54,220 I'll get the glasses. 163 00:08:55,940 --> 00:08:58,700 And my cute little coasters. 164 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:07,660 So big date tonight, huh? 165 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,880 Yeah, this really great guy. 166 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:14,860 He's successful, smart, handsome, very mature. 167 00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:17,580 Oh, that's great. 168 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:19,460 My father. 169 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:21,920 Oh. 170 00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:24,670 Yeah, I'm going out with my mother tonight. 171 00:09:25,170 --> 00:09:26,570 So I guess we're both big losers. 172 00:09:28,170 --> 00:09:29,210 Maybe we should jump. 173 00:09:31,690 --> 00:09:33,050 So how long are you going to be in town? 174 00:09:33,430 --> 00:09:35,030 I don't know. A couple days. 175 00:09:36,210 --> 00:09:37,750 Depending on how Mother handles it. 176 00:09:39,270 --> 00:09:40,270 Tell me something. 177 00:09:40,290 --> 00:09:41,690 You see her when I'm not here. 178 00:09:42,230 --> 00:09:43,630 Is she like this all the time? 179 00:09:44,010 --> 00:09:45,370 I think your mother's really cool. 180 00:09:45,990 --> 00:09:49,870 She's fun, unpredictable, truly dangerous. I love her. 181 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:58,040 Yeah, I love her too, but... Well... She puts the mother in smother. 182 00:09:58,940 --> 00:10:03,120 Well, hey, at least you're not staying in the same house with her. I swear, I 183 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:06,900 living terms of endearment. Except at the end, I'm still alive. 184 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,560 Okay, is this a competition now? All right. 185 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,060 So, has your mother ever put a bear trap in your father's sock drawer? 186 00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:16,180 I wish. 187 00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:19,000 Well, she's not like that as much now. 188 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,160 She came to visit a little more. 189 00:10:21,630 --> 00:10:22,630 You'd probably see that. 190 00:10:22,710 --> 00:10:24,490 So you think I ought to come visit more? 191 00:10:25,990 --> 00:10:26,990 Maybe. 192 00:10:27,890 --> 00:10:31,050 You know, if you need to get away from your mother, you can always come over 193 00:10:31,050 --> 00:10:32,050 here. 194 00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:34,530 And see my mother. 195 00:10:38,570 --> 00:10:39,710 Now, Richard... 196 00:10:39,710 --> 00:10:46,230 If 197 00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:49,190 you look very closely... Um... 198 00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,470 It really is getting late. 199 00:10:54,890 --> 00:10:57,110 No, no, no, Marianne. I want to see what this is. 200 00:11:23,690 --> 00:11:26,830 He always falls asleep in the car and he's just about out. Make traffic 201 00:11:27,130 --> 00:11:28,130 Okay. 202 00:11:32,350 --> 00:11:35,870 Hey, there's a reason they call it the fast lane, pal. 203 00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,370 Did you just flip me off? 204 00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:44,010 So how was your Valentine's date with William? It was great. He spilled his 205 00:11:44,010 --> 00:11:47,130 drink on the couch, threw food at me, and cried until I burped him. 206 00:11:47,710 --> 00:11:49,530 Just like that congressman I dated. 207 00:11:50,990 --> 00:11:52,970 What about your date? How did they get along? 208 00:11:53,510 --> 00:11:57,610 Famously. You see? You were right. It was a wonderful evening. 209 00:11:58,390 --> 00:12:01,490 Except I was sitting between an animal activist and a veterinarian. 210 00:12:01,810 --> 00:12:03,790 So I was afraid to order anything with a face. 211 00:12:05,370 --> 00:12:09,310 I'm happy your evening was a success. And may I add, why are you here? 212 00:12:11,050 --> 00:12:14,010 Did you and Richard already go through that case of condoms I gave you? 213 00:12:14,990 --> 00:12:17,130 If so, I'd like to shake your hand. 214 00:12:18,350 --> 00:12:19,570 After you wash it, of course. 215 00:12:21,390 --> 00:12:24,430 Oh, it's Justin in town. It didn't feel right staying with Richard, so we 216 00:12:24,430 --> 00:12:25,630 decided to call it a night. 217 00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:30,350 So imagine my surprise when I arrive home and I find this note from Justin. 218 00:12:31,070 --> 00:12:32,070 Don't wait up. 219 00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:35,030 Oh, yeah. He and Zoe went for a drive. 220 00:12:35,710 --> 00:12:37,110 Oh? Really? 221 00:12:38,410 --> 00:12:39,630 And you knew about this? 222 00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:41,110 Uh, yes. 223 00:12:41,910 --> 00:12:44,010 See? That's how I was able to tell you. 224 00:12:45,490 --> 00:12:49,090 She came home from her dinner with Ira and Justin called and they decided to 225 00:12:49,090 --> 00:12:50,090 take a drive to the beach. 226 00:12:50,510 --> 00:12:52,910 Really? I wonder if something's going on between them. 227 00:12:53,670 --> 00:12:54,670 Zoe and Justin? 228 00:12:54,830 --> 00:12:56,750 Hmm. That might be kind of cool. 229 00:12:57,630 --> 00:12:59,030 For Zoe, maybe. 230 00:13:00,790 --> 00:13:01,790 Excuse me? 231 00:13:02,830 --> 00:13:06,710 Oh, no offense, Sybil, but we both know not only does Zoe have a tough time 232 00:13:06,710 --> 00:13:09,790 forming relationships, but she's extremely hard on men. 233 00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:11,250 Like who? 234 00:13:11,450 --> 00:13:12,470 Like Sean. 235 00:13:13,610 --> 00:13:18,010 Marianne, Sean cheated on Zoe, and she's just not completely over it yet. 236 00:13:18,490 --> 00:13:22,370 What about that guy in Italy she dumped after one night? She did not dump him. 237 00:13:22,550 --> 00:13:26,890 She was leaving the country the next day, and it was a beautiful, meaningful 238 00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:27,890 -night stand. 239 00:13:28,290 --> 00:13:32,850 I will not have Zoe toy with Justin and then toss him away when she outgrows 240 00:13:32,850 --> 00:13:37,310 him. You're making Zoe sound like she's some conniving, globe -trotting tramp. 241 00:13:38,050 --> 00:13:41,930 I mean, I know she puts on that sophisticated woman -of -the -world act, 242 00:13:41,930 --> 00:13:43,090 she's still very young. 243 00:13:43,530 --> 00:13:46,530 And in a lot of ways, she's just a little girl who doesn't know what she's 244 00:13:46,530 --> 00:13:50,470 doing. And what about Justin? He's the one who didn't come home for three 245 00:13:52,350 --> 00:13:54,170 Oh, wish I hadn't said that. 246 00:13:54,570 --> 00:13:57,790 Oh, Marianne, we've got great kids. Why are we doing this? Oh, it's me. 247 00:13:58,710 --> 00:14:02,930 Justin being here makes me so crazy and possessive. I'm sorry about the things I 248 00:14:02,930 --> 00:14:03,930 said. 249 00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:05,110 Are we okay? 250 00:14:05,650 --> 00:14:06,650 Sure, we're okay. 251 00:14:07,530 --> 00:14:08,730 Well, I'm glad you are. 252 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:25,520 seat of the baby. You go talk to Zoe. 253 00:14:25,980 --> 00:14:27,240 Fat chance, sister. 254 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:28,580 We're with all yours. 255 00:14:29,180 --> 00:14:33,200 Just don't show any fear and try to appear larger than you really are. 256 00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:39,340 Zoe, may I come in? 257 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,460 I don't have time to talk, Marianne. Justin and I are eloping. 258 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,780 He does inherit your entire estate, doesn't he? 259 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,280 I'm sorry, okay? 260 00:14:53,420 --> 00:14:55,560 I'm just not myself when he's around. 261 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:57,420 I say things I don't mean. 262 00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:02,620 Hey, I've known you since you were a baby. I love you. 263 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:06,080 And I would be proud to have you as my daughter -in -law. 264 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:10,960 Of course, if you move him out of town as God is my witness, I will rain down 265 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,100 you like a fire from hell. 266 00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:15,300 See? That's another thing I didn't mean. 267 00:15:16,420 --> 00:15:17,800 You love that about me, right? 268 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:20,920 Marianne, Justin and I are not even dating. 269 00:15:21,470 --> 00:15:23,790 We haven't seen each other in years, and we just went for a drive. 270 00:15:24,130 --> 00:15:25,670 That's all. Well, where are you going? 271 00:15:25,950 --> 00:15:29,350 To my father's. Zoe, how am I going to explain to your mother that I drove you 272 00:15:29,350 --> 00:15:30,350 away? It's not you. 273 00:15:31,010 --> 00:15:32,390 You treat me like an adult. 274 00:15:33,050 --> 00:15:35,030 Everybody treats me like an adult except her. 275 00:15:35,710 --> 00:15:39,910 Well, I'm not a little girl putting on an act, and I will not stay anyplace 276 00:15:39,910 --> 00:15:41,930 where I'm treated like one. Oh, Zoe, you don't understand. 277 00:15:42,190 --> 00:15:43,690 Someday you'll be a mother. Marianne! 278 00:15:44,490 --> 00:15:47,430 Just tell the condom queen to take a good hard look at herself. 279 00:15:47,670 --> 00:15:50,170 Maybe she's the one who needs to start acting like a grown -up. 280 00:15:50,620 --> 00:15:53,540 I will not say that to my best friend. 281 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,760 I will simply call her a condom queen and leave it at that. 282 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:06,640 What are you doing? 283 00:16:07,260 --> 00:16:08,860 See, Zoe, here's the deal. 284 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,420 It's so terrific, you living here with me. 285 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,220 I want to capture it on film so I can look at it tomorrow morning when I'm 286 00:16:15,220 --> 00:16:16,220 alone. 287 00:16:16,260 --> 00:16:17,580 Why, are you kicking me out? 288 00:16:17,860 --> 00:16:18,860 Are you kidding? 289 00:16:19,180 --> 00:16:20,420 I love having you here. 290 00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:23,660 But you know your mother's going to come over, you'll patch things up, you'll be 291 00:16:23,660 --> 00:16:24,780 back at her place by lunch. 292 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:26,540 And you know what that leaves me with? 293 00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:31,880 Why on earth would I move back in with Mom? She treats me like a child. 294 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:33,840 That's the way it is with parents. 295 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,260 Your baby's always going to be your baby. 296 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:40,220 And as she gets older, every second you have together gets more precious. 297 00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:45,740 Dad, I'm not moving out. 298 00:16:47,820 --> 00:16:48,820 But you are. 299 00:16:51,259 --> 00:16:53,340 Ah, there's your mother. Right on schedule. 300 00:16:56,740 --> 00:16:58,240 Hey, Ira. Hi, Sybil. 301 00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:00,100 Oh. 302 00:17:01,340 --> 00:17:04,319 Goodbye, honey. I'll always treasure these moments we had together. 303 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,540 Here you go. You left some stuff behind. 304 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:10,760 See ya. 305 00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:13,280 Oh, I get it. 306 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:14,760 Reverse psychology. 307 00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:16,780 Like you'd use on a child, right? 308 00:17:17,409 --> 00:17:21,890 Zoe, I can't believe you're angry at me. I was defending you to Marianne. And 309 00:17:21,890 --> 00:17:22,809 you know what? 310 00:17:22,810 --> 00:17:26,369 I can't worry that every single word I say to you might drive you away. 311 00:17:26,730 --> 00:17:29,150 It's emotional blackmail, and that is childish. 312 00:17:29,450 --> 00:17:33,050 If you want to be treated like an adult, start acting like one. 313 00:17:34,190 --> 00:17:38,010 Now, do me a favor and say something sarcastic and hurtful so I won't feel so 314 00:17:38,010 --> 00:17:39,110 bad when I walk out the door. 315 00:17:40,010 --> 00:17:43,930 Why is it that every time you don't agree with me, it's because I'm being 316 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:47,530 immature? You think I'm not acting like an adult unless I'm doing exactly what 317 00:17:47,530 --> 00:17:48,630 you think I should be doing. 318 00:17:48,990 --> 00:17:49,990 Not true. 319 00:17:50,030 --> 00:17:50,709 Oh, really? 320 00:17:50,710 --> 00:17:51,710 Then how's this? 321 00:17:52,430 --> 00:17:53,690 My apartment wasn't condemned. 322 00:17:54,170 --> 00:17:56,790 I lost my job. I couldn't pay my rent. What do you think about that? 323 00:17:57,190 --> 00:17:58,630 I thought you were waiting tables. 324 00:17:58,990 --> 00:17:59,990 I was fired. 325 00:18:00,270 --> 00:18:02,470 The customers kept complaining about my attitude. 326 00:18:04,730 --> 00:18:06,790 Now, here I am. I have no job, no apartment. 327 00:18:07,070 --> 00:18:08,890 And now you're going to tell me to go to college. 328 00:18:09,210 --> 00:18:10,210 No. 329 00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,290 I'm going to tell you to go work at some expensive French restaurant where the 330 00:18:13,290 --> 00:18:14,870 people expect you to be rude to them. 331 00:18:17,310 --> 00:18:18,770 Why didn't you tell me sooner? 332 00:18:19,010 --> 00:18:19,909 Why do you think? 333 00:18:19,910 --> 00:18:23,370 When you were my age, you were living alone in New York, and you had a career. 334 00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:27,290 You knew what you wanted to do from the time you were a Presbyterian. 335 00:18:29,370 --> 00:18:31,870 I don't. I'm sorry. Maybe you don't know what that feels like. 336 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:33,570 Maybe you're right. 337 00:18:34,550 --> 00:18:35,550 Maybe I don't. 338 00:18:36,650 --> 00:18:39,650 But there are courses you could take that would... I almost did it, but I 339 00:18:39,650 --> 00:18:40,650 didn't. That counts as not. 340 00:18:43,770 --> 00:18:45,330 I have to make my own decisions. 341 00:18:46,830 --> 00:18:48,310 Even if they're not the ones you would make. 342 00:18:49,130 --> 00:18:50,130 Okay. 343 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:52,630 So we've agreed? 344 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:56,410 If I move back home, you'll stop pushing me. 345 00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:59,290 No way. I said you could make your own choices. 346 00:19:00,110 --> 00:19:03,330 I'm not going to watch while you throw your wonderful potential away while I 347 00:19:03,330 --> 00:19:05,270 stand quietly by counting my condoms. 348 00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:08,290 Why shouldn't I just stay here with Dad? 349 00:19:09,070 --> 00:19:10,070 Go ahead. 350 00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:12,110 He's going to be the same way I am. 351 00:19:12,950 --> 00:19:17,230 And every Tuesday and Thursday, David Duchovny jogs past my house. 352 00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:23,870 Oh, now I see. 353 00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:29,710 Told you. 354 00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:34,680 So the song, I Left My Heart in San Francisco, is much more tragic than one 355 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:35,680 would think. 356 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:43,540 And the song, One Hand, One Heart, is much more... 357 00:19:43,540 --> 00:19:47,540 exercise than one would think. 358 00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,040 Oh, they're here. 359 00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:55,060 So? 360 00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:56,520 I got a lock on my door. 361 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:58,720 Perfect. 362 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,220 It is her mission in life to torture me. 363 00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:15,080 I'm so glad she's home. 364 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:18,680 I need to use the ladies' room. 365 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,920 Use the one down here. I much prefer the one upstairs. 366 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:25,220 Well, your daughter is upstairs with the son of a stalker. I'm just doing my 367 00:20:25,220 --> 00:20:26,220 job. 368 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,060 Mary Ann, you come back here. 369 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:29,740 Zoe, it's coming! 370 00:20:31,820 --> 00:20:35,900 Another special occasion from United Florists. Hi, honey, it's Mom. 371 00:20:36,260 --> 00:20:39,100 I just called to wish you a happy President's Day. 372 00:20:39,870 --> 00:20:41,530 Hi, Mom. That's so sweet. 373 00:20:41,870 --> 00:20:42,870 Guess what? 374 00:20:43,130 --> 00:20:46,290 Tim and I were going to his parents' cabin in the mountains. 375 00:20:46,770 --> 00:20:48,370 Oh, I like that Tim. 376 00:20:49,130 --> 00:20:53,750 And he comes from such a nice family. I know. I really lucked out when I met 377 00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:56,690 him. Well, you two have a wonderful time together. 378 00:20:59,490 --> 00:21:00,490 Hmm. 379 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,100 The United Florist President's Day Condom Bouquet. 380 00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:12,660 President's Day? 381 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,180 The President's Day Condom Bouquet from United Florist. 382 00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:21,380 When you shake hands with Mr. Lincoln, make sure he's wearing a glove.